Helpless, Hopeless
by Impersonating-an-entity
Summary: Zaku on the loss of his arms in the Forest of Death. Rated for themes of pain, possible mild swearing and incredibly light shonenei this story shouldn't even really have romance it's so light... yet cute. More angst than anything else though


Warnings: spoilers (very light, 2nd-3rd Chuunin exam, oto-nin relating only), some swearing I think? and light, light, light shonen-ai. Wonderful character torture, yay! Physical, not mental, for the most part. ((aw shucks, I want both!))

* * *

Zaku refrained from any particular shows of his pain or weakness at least until after Dosu had successfully carried him and Kin away from danger and had found a place to hide - more or less. It was under some huge plant that looked like a massive bush, where ropy, thin roots covered the ground and thin, prickly twigs scratched at there skin, a mere irritant but infuriating, and after such a defeat...

Dosu let Kin almost drop to the ground - after all, she was unconscious and would feel nothing, nor was she greatly injured - so that he could lay Zaku down with considerably more ease. After all, he had to be careful of the broken arms. Zaku winced and looked away, trying to muffle the groan from pain. "Gomen nasai," Dosu murmured.

"Iie... It's not your fault," Zaku argued, trying to move his fingers. He bit back a shout - no, his arms were defenitely broken. His face scrunched up in effort. "I should have listened to your warning. You've always been the smart, gifted one," Zaku said, trying to joke, but the warping of his face only made his grin bitter and terrifying. Not that much terrified the Oto-nin.

Dosu dug in his weapon kit and pilled out the small satchet that held painkillers. They were rarely used, but now Zaku would need them, especially considering... "I have to set those," Dosu murmured unecessarily. Zaku nodded, not looking forward to the process, though he knew it was necessary and would leave him better later.

Dosu shifted a moment to grab Kin's small flask of water and returned to Zaku, popping the pills into the boy's mouth and carefully helping him sit up to drink the water. Zaku swallowed obediently, wishing their pills worked faster, better. Orochimaru-sama didn't want his students to become spoiled, so he generally only allowed them to use rather weak, slow-working painkillers so they would not use them as a crutch. Besides, with the stronger ones there was a risk of addiction, which would render them as useless - broken tools were nothing more than a liability.

Dosu tugged one of the metal plates that served as gaurds to the side of Zaku's face out and placed the thin, strong metal in Zaku's mouth, giving him something to bite on rather than his own tongue or lips. Zaku tried to force his breathing to steady, his eyes shut tight as he prepared for the pain, trying to convince himself it was nothing: he could last.

Dosu shifted again to behind Zaku this time, propping his comrade against him so that he had both hands free. Zaku had a moment to realize something he never would have thought of otherwise - leaning against Dosu was... weird. He'd never been told why, but there was something wrong with the way Dosu's body worked, and it felt sort of strange. Zaku realized he'd also never noticed Dosu sleep flat on his back. He was always on his side, scrunched up, or sitting in the crook of a tree or something. It was only a moment though - Dosu moved suddenly, knowing if he gave Zaku too long to ponder the pain he could very well go crazy.

Quite suddenly Dosu's left hand gripped Zaku's left shoulder; his right hand was at Zaku's bicep; he pulled the arm into a 45 degree angle and jammed it into the socket. Zaku's eyes watered as he clamped down onto the firm steel plate in his mouth. A moment later the process was repeated on the other side and the metal plate was heard to snap. Dosu let go and slid the broken metal away where it would not be likely to cause troubl and slid away, laying Zaku down with care once more.

Zaku fervently denied the fact that tears streamed down the side of his face until Dosu carefully wiped them away. "Don't," was all Dosu said. Zaku dipped his head once in a nod. The three of them knew how useless tears were to solve pain of any kind.

Zaku couldn't help himself though. The tears, the few and relatively far between, refused to stop altogether. Quietly, in a whisper unusual for him, he scarcely uttered the concern that had plagued him from the moment Sasuke-kun had gained the upper hand. "Orochimaru-sama... will be furious. What if he-"

Dosu slapped him across the face. Zaku's eyes widened as he let loose a tiny yelp of both surprise and of one more pain to add to the mix he was already having a lot of difficulty surpressing. "Yes, he will be. But he is not unreasonable. You have not failed him before. Do not think such things."

"Demo..." Zaku whimpered. He had no family but the oto-nin, nothing to live for but Orochimaru-sama. If he'd died in battle it would have been honorable, but to suffer as this was an insult. He was a liability now... Orochimaru-sama was not tolerant of any hindrances.

"Listen to me this time," Dosu barked. "You said before you should have then, and you still should now." His words were firm without being harsh. Zaku backed down. Dosu began looking over Kin - she shouldn't have been harmed, but it wouldn't hurt to check. One wounded nin and they could go on, two and they were as good as damned. Slowly, Zaku's breathing evened out, though he still breathed more deeply than usual, in effort to make himself dizzy and thus obscure the pain. He was too used to meditative breathing though - but even so, it was calming and helped him think a little more clearly. If only just a little.

"What about the Chuunin exam? We have to go on, if only for his sake," Zaku asked. He looked across the dirt and plant material to Dosu and Kin.

"Kin and I will handle finding a new set of scrolls. Or Orochimaru-sama may see fit to find them for us, since he desires us to continue." As always, Dosu spoke sense in his low, eerie but comforting tones. Something about his voice was both innately creepy and strangely disarming.

"Gomen nasai..." Zaku muttered. He was useless. He hated that feeling! Ashamed, broken and useless! But he swore -swore that when it was time to move on, he would at least not be a liability. He could walk now, he was sure, now that the first shock of the pain was gone and his arms were back in their sockets.

"Iie. There is nothing to be done for it now. Apologies are useless. Sleep a while, I'll watch." Dosu began even then to prepare a few traps, with much more tact than the girl-nin with Sasuke had done, though there was only so much to be done for it. There techniques, besides perhaps Kin's, were not given to such tasks.

Zaku sighed. Dosu was so distant. And Kin was just a stupid girl - a member of the team but nothing more. She was also not particularly useful, tending to stand behind and look cocky. Her comments to the other girl had been rather hypocritical in Zaku's eyes. She was good enough when she got involved but she didn't usually. It was all why neither of them would have hesitated to kill her. However, each other they would defend - they were the heart and soul of the team, the power, the comrades. Yet Dosu was so distant, and Zaku was a social creature. He tried to go to sleep. At least the pain was fadig a little finally the pills were taking effect. Or was he just getting used to the hurt?

It seemed he did fall asleep, because the next memory he had was of Dosu trying to wake him quietly without disturbing his arms to offer him something to eat. Meat in strips, probably some small game, cooked over a fire tiny enough not to raise smoke. "Eat," Dosu said simply. For an oto-nin, Dosu made little sound at all. Zaku wondered if perhaps Dosu actually talked all the time, but just at such a pitch that, like his attack, no one could hear it. It was slightly amusing, but Zaku couldn't fake an enthusiasm for the idea. He opened his mouth and let Dosu feed him.

"What about Kin?" Zaku asked.

"She's been up, taken her shift, and caught and cooked the food. I told her to wake me when she finished." Dosu paused to eat some of the meat. Then, he continued to explain, "She'll rest a little longer then we'll plan on moving on." he offered Zaku water.

Zaku nodded and began trying to lift himself up. A moment later Dosu's hand at his back helped him up and gave him support. Zaku drank like a man fresh out of the desert before turning away, causing a bit of water to drip down his chin. "What about you? Did you get enough sleep?" Zaku asked, looking at Dosu with concern. His concern went farther than mere worry for his comrade's well-being, though there was something of that, too. No, he needed Dosu to be strong, since he was badly disabled.

"I'll be fine."

"I can take a watch if you and Kin need more sleep," Zaku protested.

Dosu gripped Zaku's chin, turning his head so they were eye to eye and keeping Zaku from talking. The look in his one visible eye made it clear he did not think Zaku could do such a thing. "I'll be fine," he repeated, drawing the words out so there could be no mistaking it. He let go.

Zaku's head drooped, his gaze fell to his hands, which lay uselessly at his sides. "Niether of us will ever be 'fine'," he muttered bitterly.

Dosu was silent. For some reason, this bothered Zaku.

"Why don't you ever talk, Dosu! You're always so damned silent about everything!" Zaku growled.

"Here is not the place to be making small talk," Dosu advised.

"No, and it never is! We're always on this mission or that, or too exhausted from training or something and we never talk about anything!" Zaku fumed. "I just... I just wish there was something else for me to do..." he muttered.

"You don't want to serve Orochimaru-sama?"

Zaku shook his head, "No, I do. I just wish I could do it differently... sometimes I do, anyhow."

"There is honor in fighting for him." Dosu's words were, as always, like his name. Sharp, firm, brief.

Zaku looked at Dosu with an ironic smile plastered on a face, beginning to twinge as the pain settled in more heavily again. "Honor? I'm an orphan, Dosu, I've never known honor. It's just another word I don't care about," he drawled, beginning to look a touch mad.

Dosu stared at Zaku for a few moments in his typical silence till Zaku looked away, shifting uncomfortably. He shook his head. "Sometimes you disgust me, Zaku," he stated.

Zaku shifted wrong in his surprise and his arms sang him a tale of desperation and agony. He cried out before sealing his teeth together, body rigid, face scrunched as he tried to mute it. Dosu tossed him a pain pill mockingly. Zaku felt then saw it in his lap and tears forced themselves to his eyes. He was truly hopeless, helpless, at the mercy of his teammates. "Dosu... Dozo..."

"Zaku... bear in mind you are not the only one to suffer. The three of us were all rescued from our torments by Orochimaru. Just because you do not know the full story does not mean you can assume yours to be the worst..." Dosu was still, letting his words hang in the air an uncertain moment, the only sound Zaku's labored breathing as the pain heightened, the effects of the first pill, such as they were, fading rapidly. It was just as well they were not allowed to use anything stronger - it was hard enough coming off these weak pills, the shift in pain a stronger pill would cause as it wore off would likely be unbearable.

"Also... I understand you were willing to let Kin die because you did not like her. You do not consider her a comrade. I was also willing to let her go, but not for such base reasons. Rather, as a sacrifice for Orochimaru-sama's goal. We were both willing to forsake her, it is true, but you took it a step further - you attacked her form. I believe you have some soul searching to do. Let us allow Kin's mercies to decide whether you deserve any respite from pain." Zaku had never heard Dosu string so many words together at once before. His eyes flicked between Dosu's from and the pill, desperately. He tried to move his arms but he found he had to bite back a near scream once more at the vicious bit of pain.

"Kin, wake up," Dosu murmured, shaking her awake.

Kin's eyes opened quickly - shinobi did not have the luxury of waking slowly - and she relaxed, seeing it was Dosu and there was no danger. She sat up and stood briskly, stretching briefly.

"Kin, when that girl took possession of your body - were you aware of what happened?" Dosu asked.

Kin glanced at Zaku who still stared mournfully at the pill just before him yet out of reach and who still struggled to keep from making any noise and stop his damned tears, and nodded. "You two were willing to let me die for the mission. He attacked my form." she recapped briefly, rather not wanting to think on it. She knew that if her death was necessary than it was so, but the outright attack had seemed overkill in her eyes.

Dosu nodded once and gestured towards Zaku. "As you can see, he is in quite a bit of pain. He has the means to lessen it, but not the capability. Would you show him mercy?" Dosu asked.

Kin grinned slightly. "I'll show him mercy..." she said, opening her water flask as she walked over to Zaku.

Zaku relaxed. "Domo..."

She scooped up the pill and casually remarked, "My body is still quite sore from your attack." With that, she popped the pill into her mouth, took a drink and swallowed, then stood once again. Zaku looked crestfallen through eyes that were beginning to glaze over in the persistent throb and sting and the very sharpness and stiffness. "Now the means to end your pain no longer taunts you by being just out of reach. This is a scorned woman's mercy." She stood and helped him up with no tenderness in calloused hands that had nothing of femininty to them outside of their leaness.

Dosu nodded. "Let's go, we must now capture two scrolls and reach the tower as soon as possible."

Zaku tried not to lag behind, but he stumbled quite often without his arms for balance and was generally a nuisance. With in an hour, Dosu stopped before a large, fallen, hollowed out tree. "Zaku, wait here and try to get use of your arms back. We will return when we have acquired the scrolls."

Zaku swallowed his pride and nodded. "I'll leave you some encouragement to get to work on that," Dosu said, holding up the small pouch of pain pillers and dangling it tantalizingly before Zaku's starry eyes a moment before unzipping Zaku's weapons pouch at his hip, sliding in the pouch and zipping it closed again. He took Kin's water, made sure the lid was tight, and left it with Zaku as well.

Kin laughed. "Now you have not even a woman's mercy! Suffer, Zaku, suffer till it breaks you!" she taunted, waving. "Ja ne," she said with mocking cheer, and Dosu and Kin were gone in a flash.

Zaku wanted to swear, but he knew better. Alone, with virtually no way to defend himself if discovered, his best best was to be silent, still, and unnoticed. He bit his lip and struggled to do so much as wiggle his fingers. He held back a gasp at the wave of fiery pain and struggled with it for what seemed like hours. Finally, he felt his index finger twitch a little and almost laughed his joy before he remembered to stay silent. It still hurt, but at least he'd had a sign of progress. He attempted to fist his hand and a moment later passed out from the continual dizzying waves of pain he'd subjected himself to in the past few hours.

"Wake up," A cool voice hissed. Nothing. Again, louder. Nothing. A sharp slap brought Zaku to consciousness again. "O- Orochimaru-sama!" The color, already scarce from suffering, drained from Zaku's face. He gaped, struggling to think of anything to say, anything that would be excusable. Orochimaru-sama looked angry.

"Hai, Orochimaru-sama... Gomen nasai, I failed you, I won't again, I,"

"Damare," Orochimaru-sama quipped. He lay a light healing on Zaku's arms. "I can't have you remaining such a nuisance. We will discuss this later, now, it is required that the whole team arrive at the tower, not just the useful members."

A moment later Orochimaru-sama had disappeared. Zaku's breath came quick and shallow. He could move his arms. It still was incredibly painful and difficult, but it was possible. Slowly, wincing, he dug out Dosu's pills, uncapped the water and was about to take three when Dosu stopped him. "One," Dosu said firmly, taking the other two and the bag. Zaku nodded and took it, grateful to have anything but wishing, wishing, wishing he could have more because it still hurt so bad and he'd had nothing for who knew how long and it was so bad now, somehow the healing hadn't made it feel any better, maybe even worse. Actually, that wouldn't be surprising if Orochimaru had healed it but made it hurt more, otherwise it would be too easy for him, wouldn't it.

He got up and fell in behind them to the tower.

* * *

Dosu visited him in the hospital. "You aren't welcome among the oto-nin anymore."

Zaku took a deep, shuddering breath and nodded. "I... I guessed..." Oto gakure was his only 'home'. Orochimaru-sama had been the only one to see anything in him. He was the only one who ever saw anything in him or helped him to achieve any power. Without his arms, without Orochimaru and the Oto-nin...

"He may be coming to kill you yet, too."

Zaku nodded again. "I guessed..."

"I suggest you say nothing of the oto-nin and stay as far away from shinobi matters as possible. He may let you live if he can ensure your silence."

Zaku looked into Dosu's eyes sadly. "I know... but..."

Dosu shook his head. "No, no buts. I would rather not see you killed. Just stay away."

"Dosu... Dozo - stay with me tonight. Let me be an Oto-nin one last night." Zaku pleaded, his eyes tearing once again and he was no longer annoyed by this sensitivity because what did he really have left? His dignity, his home, his life? Nothing.

Dosu shook his head. "No, I have to find someone and kill them."

Zaku looked paniced. "Hai, hai, me! Don't leave me alone, ashamed and estranged! Kill me now, in my last day as a ninja, before Orochimaru-sama does! Onegai, Dosu, onegai!"

Dosu took Zaku's hitai-ate and snapped it in two. "You are not an oto-nin and you will never be a shinobi again." Zaku sobbed. "You are too weak for me to kill. Too weak for Orochimaru-sama." Zaku nodded painfully, miserable and unable to hide from the truth.

Dosu wiped away Zaku's tears again and leaned down face to face. Zaku quieted down in shock and a moment later he felt what he thought would be Dosu's lips press against his. His eyes widened then closed tight, in another denial of reality, the pain in his arms and the shock of Dosu kissing him through those mysterious bandages. Dosu pulled just a breath away. "But you are weak enough for me to protect."

Zaku didn't know what to say. "I'll talk to Orochimaru-sama for you. Live, Zaku. We've all been hopeless, and he gave us hope. You can be hopeless again, and you will find new hope. So live, Zaku. And maybe one day I'll be able to visit you again."

Owari

* * *

Except He totally won't be able to because SPOILER, but...

Yeah...

Hmmm, didn't go the way I'd originally figured it would but this is okay too.


End file.
